Balance

One of the issues that I face anytime I stand up is proper balance.  Most of us make minute corrections which keep us upright; in fact, most of us do this without conscious thought.  Because of CBD some of my muscles will get the messages and some will not.  That can lead to getting off balance and to falling.  I have found the cautious thing to do is to be looking down, watching where I step, unless the ground is flat.  I suppose I am overly sensitive about this, but I do wonder what people think as they meet me and I don’t look up.  It seems downright unsociable to me, but I have had two bad falls where I was trying to maintain eye contact with someone as I took a step in their direction.  I have found, though, that if I am holding my wife’s arm and using my cane I do regain a sense of confidence. 

That word “confidence” leads me to another area of balance, emotional balance.  I have written in the past of having an irrational anxiety about crossing the street.  There is just something about not being able to move faster than a moderate walk that plays on my mind.  Still, since I can avoid many crossing situations, that fear has receded.  What has become more of an issue is taking a step off a curb, or going down a few steps.  I can see myself falling.  There is some fear of hurting myself, but there is a greater sense that I am about to embarrass myself.  I have found that if there is nothing (like a handrail) to hold onto, I either take a risk or ask for help.  What works on me are situations where there is no one to ask.  I have been struck by the number of buildings, even new ones, which are not in compliance with the Americans with Disabilities Act.  To me, it would be giving in to an imbalance to let such anxiety keep me from going places.  I don’t want to become a prisoner in my own home.  I want a cautious but balanced approach.

Finally, I want to strive for balance of concern.  This week I had lunch with a friend.  We talked about many different things, and in the course of the conversation he mentioned some serious health problems he was having.  As the discussion progressed he stopped himself and said, “I know this doesn’t begin to compare to what you are going through.”  I assured him that was OK.  He talked on for a few minutes and then repeated his apology.  At that point I told him I really wanted to hear what was going on with him.  I further explained that I honestly get tired of always being the focus of concern.  After all, I have been a pastor my entire adult life.  I have listened to folks talk about their problems, but since my diagnosis and retirement that part of my life abruptly stopped.  Sure, there were times when people spoke to me about minor problems they thought were major, but even then I always felt that a listening ear was a ministry.  Now this should not be misunderstood.  Some might conclude that I never want to talk about my situation. Obviously that must not be the case or why would I be writing this?  I just don’t want to be the sole subject of conversation.

Balance.  When I was the pastor of the First Free Will Baptist Church of Savannah, Georgia I used that word so often that one of my deacons told me, “Pastor, I believe ‘balance’ is your favorite word!”  I am not sure about that, but it is something I have a deepening appreciation of.