The Long Answer, Part 4

I have mentioned in previous posts that Corticobasal Degeneration effects how I walk, how I talk, and the control of my emotions.  Perhaps it’s paranoia, but when my walking is particularly halting I feel like people are watching me, and that is bad.  What is worse is when I have a difficult time making myself understood in conversation.  But the worst thing to deal with is the inability to control my emotions.  It can be down right embarrassing.

Joy has tried to accompany me on most of my visits to my neurologist, Dr. Callahan.  She was there the first time that he mentioned CBD as the likely diagnosis.  After Dr. Callahan said the words, Corticobasal Degeneration, there was something of an awkward silence.  Never one to allow things to get too heavy and genuinely trying to lighten the mood, I said, “Well is this something that kills you or does it just make you wish you were dead?”  I don’t know if Dr. Callahan had ever encountered such an abrupt question, but he proceeded in a very calming manner to tell us what we might expect.  On the emotional front the first thing he mentioned was the lack of any sort of filter on what I might say.  Driving home Joy commented that she should have told Dr. Callahan that I had been “filter-less” the whole time she had known me!  Most folks who know me well are probably nodding their head at Joy’s statement.  But, that was not all to expect.  CBD can lead you to become compulsive, doing things without really thinking through the consequences.  It can also lead to being obsessive about routine, always feeling the need to do things the same way, to having a pattern to follow.  When I heard this I began to imagine myself like the TV detective, Monk, or to update the image, Sheldon Cooper of the Big Bang Theory.  Perhaps one of the definitions of normal is to be able to navigate between being obsessive and compulsive.

Perhaps the worst aspect of my lack of emotional control is being overwhelmed and becoming tearful so easily.  The medical term for this is Pseudobulbar Affect or PBA.  Technically this can be either inappropriate laughter or crying, but so far I have only manifested the sad side of that coin.  What is particularly hard about this is not knowing when it is going to hit.  I can be watching something on TV or trying to tell someone about something of only mild emotional impact and I find myself choking up.  To put it another way, the intensity of my emotional reaction to things is way out of whack.  I have probably cried more in the last year than I did in the previous twenty.

There is also an interplay between my walking, talking, and emotions.  I have been privileged to preach six times since I retired.  I have noticed that when it came time to walk to the pulpit my legs would stiffen up, making my gait particularly difficult.  I see this as tied to the emotion of the moment.  Emotions can also cause my speech to slur.  This is true whether I am becoming tearful or trying to tell something I find funny.  Joy says that I don’t laugh the way I used to.  Her observation is that my mouth seems paralyzed when I laugh.  I have noticed that when I tell something funny my voice begins to slur the closer I get to the punch line.  The emotion is effecting my speech.

I am not sure what the cumulative effect of all this will be on me.  I like to think of myself as an essentially positive person with a well-developed sense of humor.  I don’t want that to change, but it seems at times I am no longer in charge of my emotions.  In my more somber moments I have thought about how all of this will impact those who know me, especially those who know me well.  It is my hope that this blog will serve as an explanation and a reminder of happier times.