Blogs are supposed to be places where explanations
are made, rationales given. That is what
I want to do with this post. Ever since
I was first diagnosed with CBD I have noticed that it seems worse in
public. I have theorized that this is true
because I am self-conscious about how I appear to people. Part of the problem with my condition is the
inter-related nature of it. If I get
anxious about something, it will affect how I walk. My leg muscles tighten up and bending at the
knee becomes almost an impossibility.
A classic example of this was the first time that
I preached at Good Springs FWB. My
friend Randy Riggs had invited me to fill his pulpit, and I was excited to have
the opportunity. When Joy and I got to
the sanctuary I immediately saw a problem.
There was no handrail to help me up the two (or three) steps to the
platform. I mentioned this to Randy, and
he offered to help me up the steps.
Initially I said no, but as the time grew closer I realized I would need
that help. When the time came for me to
walk to the pulpit, just as I feared my legs tightened up. Have you ever tried to go up steps with knees
almost locked? Well, with my friend’s
help, I did make it to the pulpit, but the thought that went through my mind
was that I was drawing undue attention to myself. It may be hard for some of you to believe,
but preachers should not want the attention to be on something so
inconsequential as how they walked to the pulpit. To put it succinctly, preaching isn’t about
the messenger, but the message.
What particularly worries me about situations like
that is that the same people would see me walking much more normally after the
service. My fear is that some might be thinking, “What gives? He looked like a cripple getting to the
pulpit, why is he walking so much better now?”
There are a couple of factors at work here. The most important is that the tension of
speaking is over, and, almost as important, being on my feet typically releases
muscle tension over time.
I should point out that even when I am at home,
under no tension at all, my gait is not what a trained eye would call
normal. My dear wife reminds me that
most of the times I have fallen, I have been by myself. All of that to say I know that the physical
manifestations of my illness are inconsistent.
I just hope the appearances will not lead some to the wrong conclusions.
